I’ve never mentioned it here. And, the truth is, I don’t mention it often. I try not to think of it, quite frankly, if I don’t have to.
But I was doing some cleaning yesterday and found my journal from last year.
Lots of people journal. My Mom has kept one for years. She writes her ups and downs, her dreams and thoughts, answers to prayer and the ways God moves in her life.
I’ve never read it. But, I think of it often and wonder what it will be like when I read it. How will it feel to look into her head and her heart. To peruse through her life from her perspective, to see myself through her eyes.
And so, I don’t talk it about it much, that my oldest daughter has Multiple Sclerosis. Diagnosed at age sixteen, after suffering through it for at least two years, she battles like a champ. She has always been a champ. At everything.
That’s why it was such a shock. A sucker punch. Yes, God, have my oldest daughter–the National Champion Gymnast. The one with I.Q. of 143 at age eleven. Take her brain, her body, use it how you will for your glory.
Did you ever have to say that? Has it ever occurred to you what it takes to say that? Do you know how...hard, it is to say that?
And so, maybe, letting you peruse my head–and my heart–from the private words I wrote in my journal last year, maybe that will help you see how it feels to say that. At least how it felt for me.
June 14, 2013
I do not want Erin to die.
And I hope no one reads this.
And I wonder why I have to step over throw pillows to find the couch. And where is the switch for the lamp???
And, as much as everything in my life is a story, I do not want this to be my story–my daughter is sick. My perfect, amazing, super-cala-fragil-istic over-achieving ninja daughter is sick.
And I understand what it means to be mad at God. But I wonder how long a person can stay mad at God? And is it really a sin not to trust God with all the bad stuff? When the bad stuff is gone, over and done with, maybe it’s easier to let go of it. When it’s going on, maybe it’s harder?
Does everyone’s life feel like a soap opera, or a bad mellow-drama?! It’s like, “What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow when Pam will say…’Oh, No!’…”
For real.
And even as bad as it seems, sometimes it seems not that bad.
And some days, I even forget the bad things.
And then BOOM! It’s like a Mack truck flies through the room.
Words can take us back. But they can also bring us forward. And a lot can happen in a year.
My daughter still has MS. And I am still trusting God. And some days it is easy. And some days…it’s not as easy.
But, I am still doing it. I’m holding His hand as I walk through this life. And, in that, there is life.
What are you walking through?
How is He holding your hand?
Leave me a comment so we can walk together.
Pamela S. Black 
Pam,thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story. Your realness in this post is beautiful. Love this.. “I’m holding His hand as I walk through this life. And, in that, there is life.” I’ve found the same thing to be true.
Wow. It cannot have been easy to put that out there, but it touched my heart. And I know it will touch others.
Blessings to you, your daughter, and your family, Pam. That was so brave of you to share. But it seems you’re living through your situation with grace and dignity. I can’t imagine a Mack truck slamming through my living room, but if it did, I’d like to think I’d handle it as well as you.
Thanks Staci. For commenting, and for being a friend. I’m so blessed by both.
Staci–I love that we are friends and you get me. I don’t feel like I always handle it well, but knowing there are those who stand with me makes all the difference in the world.
Pam, I believe God wants us to come before Him openly and honestly–even the times when we doubt Him or are angry. Blessings to you, your family, and that beautiful daughter. We don’t know God’s plans, but we do know He is able.
Pam watching our children struggle is the hardest thing. I send warm hugs. I battle the condition of autism everyday, my son is more on the Aspergers side but some days things happen that you never expect and life can be so cruel. I try to teach him to laugh mostly because sometimes that is all we are left with, a sense of humour can take me far, that and love. Beautiful honest post, I keep journals too and wonder if one day when I am gone my children will get to meet the younger version of me. Thanks for sharing something so close to your heart.
Dear Kath, I have to admit, I’m terrible at keeping a journal. I try, but then I forget and misplace the journal.:) that’s why it was kind of a shock to me when I found this one that I had been so open with my feelings. I had actually forgotten I’d written them.
Autism is so varied in it’s symptoms that I imagine you struggle not only with your sons disability but also the inability of most people to even understand what he’s going through or needs. Praying for you and him as you navigate this world. 🙂
Dear Pam, I had a journal sitting on my bedside table for 4 years empty. I bought it because of the beautiful cover. The first words I wrote in it was the night I thought – this is it. I’m dying. I had a panic attack in the middle of the night. I was ill from cancer at that time. So I actually wrote a letter to my husband and two children to tell them how much they meant to me. It was also the day of my daughter’s 15h birthday. FIVE days later my daughter died in a car accident. Her Van’s sneakers and new T-shirts unworn. Although I write about her often you post is a sucker-punch. It brings back memories of loss and sadness and heartbreak and also ‘why God’. Why did she have to die. I would have given my life for hers. I had one. She was only 15.
Give Erin a hug. I can’t hug mine.
Patricia
http://mojitoandme.com
Patricia–I am so sorry for your loss and humbled that you would trust me with your heart in sharing. These are the times when I just want to sit and hold the hand of another mother who feels loss. Just to be there. Just to share.
What can we say about such things? Who can explain the whys and the pain when there is no explanation.
I know God loves us, and He loves our daughters. I just cling to that. Sometimes, it’s all I can do.
Hugs~
This brought tears to my eyes. How beautifully written and so close to my heart. Keep being real.
Beautiful post. Thanks so much for sharing. Prayers and blessing to you and your daughter!
Thanks Stacy 🙂
Wow.
Pam, your words shook me. Your most amazing daughter (of which I have 2 amazing daughters as well, ages 21 and 25, so I’m feeling this as if your daughter were mine) who is not going to be able to live the life we dream our daughters to live. You are grieving this dream. You gotta wonder what God was thinking to give her so many gifts and then this. But then, I do not know if it is God that gives us illnesses. God shows up to help us through them. He brings out our most prized gifts in spite of an illness and shows us the way through it, don’t you think? So much to think about with illness. . .
You are a strong mother, Pam. I’m not sure where I would be if I were you, but I will be your biggest cheerleader.
Shari
Shari-you are such a sweet friend and kindred. Thanks for reading and commenting. There is so much truth in what you wrote about grieving the dreams we have for our children. But I think the beautiful thing is, God gives us new dreams, and they are even more wonderful than the ones we create on our own. That is what gives me hope. 🙂
Pam,
Thanks for pulling back the curtain of your life and letting us peek in. One never knows what another has to face. But for those who go through difficulties unimaginable. Well, they seem to reflect Christ in a way that draws you to Him. If it wasn’t for the painful things I’ve gone through, I know I wouldn’t know Him like I do. Enjoyed your post and your open heart.
Thanks for reading Anne. I do know that the things we’ve gone through have caused us to draw closer to Him and that the only place I want to be.