I’ve never mentioned it here. And, the truth is, I don’t mention it often. I try not to think of it, quite frankly, if I don’t have to.
But I was doing some cleaning yesterday and found my journal from last year.
Lots of people journal. My Mom has kept one for years. She writes her ups and downs, her dreams and thoughts, answers to prayer and the ways God moves in her life.
I’ve never read it. But, I think of it often and wonder what it will be like when I read it. How will it feel to look into her head and her heart. To peruse through her life from her perspective, to see myself through her eyes.
And so, I don’t talk it about it much, that my oldest daughter has Multiple Sclerosis. Diagnosed at age sixteen, after suffering through it for at least two years, she battles like a champ. She has always been a champ. At everything.
That’s why it was such a shock. A sucker punch. Yes, God, have my oldest daughter–the National Champion Gymnast. The one with I.Q. of 143 at age eleven. Take her brain, her body, use it how you will for your glory.
Did you ever have to say that? Has it ever occurred to you what it takes to say that? Do you know how...hard, it is to say that?
And so, maybe, letting you peruse my head–and my heart–from the private words I wrote in my journal last year, maybe that will help you see how it feels to say that. At least how it felt for me.
June 14, 2013
I do not want Erin to die.
And I hope no one reads this.
And I wonder why I have to step over throw pillows to find the couch. And where is the switch for the lamp???
And, as much as everything in my life is a story, I do not want this to be my story–my daughter is sick. My perfect, amazing, super-cala-fragil-istic over-achieving ninja daughter is sick.
And I understand what it means to be mad at God. But I wonder how long a person can stay mad at God? And is it really a sin not to trust God with all the bad stuff? When the bad stuff is gone, over and done with, maybe it’s easier to let go of it. When it’s going on, maybe it’s harder?
Does everyone’s life feel like a soap opera, or a bad mellow-drama?! It’s like, “What will happen next? Tune in tomorrow when Pam will say…’Oh, No!’…”
And even as bad as it seems, sometimes it seems not that bad.
And some days, I even forget the bad things.
And then BOOM! It’s like a Mack truck flies through the room.
Words can take us back. But they can also bring us forward. And a lot can happen in a year.
My daughter still has MS. And I am still trusting God. And some days it is easy. And some days…it’s not as easy.
But, I am still doing it. I’m holding His hand as I walk through this life. And, in that, there is life.
What are you walking through?
How is He holding your hand?
Leave me a comment so we can walk together.